Yes...Wow is about all I can say. Carsis and I actually saw one another and went to talk. I feel a little bad as I write this though. I gave him an aura reading and I guess I was right on the money because he was not happy about it. He doesn't realize how much people worry about him. But I should really stop. I ended up pinning him down and giving a huge lecture to him one minute, then the next I am laying there in his arms and nearly kissed him!!!!! KISSED HIM!! Damnit it Kaai..what the hell are you thinking?! Are you stupid?! Yes...I am very stupid. I probably made myself look like the biggest fool ever for clinging onto an impossibly relationship. Idiot...yes..me of course. He doesn't need a relationship though. He has so much to worry about and doesn't need the trouble or distraction. But part of me still wishes to watch over him. Is that wrong?  can't even be so sure any more. I need sleep.

It has been almost a week I think since that day. Time has been draggin since then. I guess things are alright...other than my loneliness I should be getting better. Engineering is not doing well though. Nearly blew off my finger when I applied the wrong amount of blasting powder with another element and I cut the tip off my left index paper while cutting my bread with a butcher knife I found at Lokey's house. This place is my new home. Lokasenna could not have me living in that damn tree anymore. even though I found it comfortable.

I went out on a journey..taking the road through Arathi and heading towards home again. It seemed I was in a daze, drawn back to that place..even though no one is alive..and I haven't heard from my Uncle. I do not understand why I feel so lost. I am so tired all the time and I can't see to smile still...the smell of blasting powder has even dulled. What the hell is wrong with me?! i seriously need to find myself again damnit. I can't let this continue to fly. GRRR! Damn love and everything about it. Never again...not if it brings me down like this.

<The page is deeply tear stained and the writing looks as if a crackwhore suffering withdraws wrote this.>

It has happened. My deepest fear. Abandonment, utter darkness and loneliness. I must have done something. Even though he says I did not, I must have done something to provoke such feelings. Commitment issues was his excuse. Perhaps that is the case. But why is it so hard for me to accept this? I cry and cry, and by now I figured I would have ran out of tears, but they keep flowing like waterfalls. I want them to stop. I want my heart to stop hurting..my insides to stop burning. Why does this hurt so bad? Why do I feel like my soul just snapped into a thousand pieces and vanished to the skies, leaving me as an empty vessel to roam the world? I can't truly smile....I can't truly laugh. Never again will I love like this..love at all. I never want this feeling to come back unless Carsis comes back to me with open arms, a sweet dream that will stay as such I am sure. He deserves a better woman anyway. Someone stronger..and more beautiful. Someone he can truly love in return. But even with all this pain and uncertainty, I do not regret loving that man. I will always love him. He is my first kiss...my first love..And if he could only love me in return (which I wonder if he even meant it), then it would be a dream come true..

I need to stop writing and start working on engineering..or better, I need to find a new place to live. I noticed a nice cozy tree next to the pond...perhaps I should occupy that for a bit...

P.S.  I hope Carsis likes how the Flat looks.  I had worked real hard on it today making it all nice and clean before I found out the news. I also folded his laundry and left him a snack pastry I made. Please enjoy that Carsis..maybe you will want it again someday. Love you...

I attended Brewfest this evening which was actually pretty fun. I believe I drank to much though. My head is still spinning as I sit here writing this. I have a lot on my mind really. It seems my engineering has come to a standstill. I am working hard to learn new skills, but it just isn't happening at the pace I want it to.  Perhaps I am just trying to hard or my skills are just not what they should be at this point. Kinda makes me sad.

I saw Carsis tonight. He seemed rather reluctant to be in my presence. I wonder if I did something wrong. I get this strange aura from him. He doesn't want to talk to me about thing anymore. That, alone, makes me very sad. Perhaps I am being to clingy or maybe just too nosy. I should stop and give him some space. I should probably talk to him about it, but I am almost afraid to..not knowing what his answer will be. He seems very unpredictable at this point when it comes to relationships. Or maybe I am just looking to much into it....I need rest. I am thinking way too much..

It happened several days ago...but I can still feel my heart tingling with joy. I said it it to him. I finally said it. I told him that I love him. I outright said it with a blush on my freckled face. I was expecting rejection, but he gave me a smile and in his odd way he told me he loved me too. I can not be any happier right now. such awonderful man. Although, we ended up getting on the subject of starting families and I could tell he wasn't to keen on that. I am not ready for it either, but it was a passing thought. Who knows, maybe I am just thinking to much about things.....

Part 1: The Basics

1. What is your full name?

Marakaai Faertree. I dun really know my middle name as odd as that sounds.

2. Where and when were you born?

NorthShire and a good 25 or so years ago I guess...the years sure fly by.

3. Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.)

I wish to leave their names from this. But my mother was a beautiful and astounding Highborne Priestess. She was always very kind and never yelled. She was there for the family so much whether it was teaching me magic or reading me stories, and even teaching us all musical instruments. She has the most wonderful personality. Now my father, he is a human Paladin. He was away a lot so I didn't know a whole lot about him, but then again, the times I did see him, he was a wonderful man. Someone I cherished very very much. He was brave and courageous.

4. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?
I am not really sure. I don't recall having any siblings, but sometimes I wonder with all the things that happened.

5. Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people.

After traveling all the way from Northshire to Silvermoon City, I ended up settling there with my Dear Carsis Ka'len. He is a very special person to me, and one I will always protect, whether he likes it or not. But as for our flat..well, he tends to leave his stuff everywhere, mainly his clothes, but at least his papers are pretty neat...i guess.. hehe.

6. What is your occupation?

I am a Priestess, so I do a lot of healing when I can, but also, I control the shadow magic as well. My actual job though...that is classified.

7. Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks.

Wow..Um, I am 5'10'', my weight is none of your concern. I have long white hair that reaches my back and bright blue eyes like my mother. I was lucky enough to not succumb to the addiction of magic. I an a half-elf you can say, Highborne and Human. I have freckles across my face along with a scar over my left eye from Rotlimb Marauders in the Dead Scar. Long story. They also left a huge gashy looking scar across my middle. I have various tiny scars from an attack on me by some Alliance goons that were very very rude, along with a bullet wound to my hip and arrow wound to my shoulderblade. Clothing, well, I do like pretty dresses...and business suits. But I do sometimes like to wear things that will make me be taken seriously. OH OH!! I also made some goggles that I absolutely adore!!

8. To which social class do you belong?

Um...I really don't know honestly. I will have to ask Carsis.

9. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

Honestly I get the sniffles when I am around certain animals. Mainly bears.

10. Are you right- or left-handed?

Both actually! It's really neat honestly.

11. What does your voice sound like?

Umm..I honestly don't know. People tell me my voice is rather soothing unless I am angry. I usually like to talk rather softly and not raise my voice or sound unpleasant.

12. What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently?

Perhaps....

13. What do you have in your pockets?

*Checks* Well, let's see, I have a piece of lint, a bloody piece of cloth cause I cut my hand open today, a few bolts and an arcane spanner hehe. So much!

14. Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

Um....I dunno..I can be very motherly I guess...perhaps that annoys people sometimes.

Part 2: Growing Up

15. How would you describe your childhood in general?

I find my childhood up to my mother's death to be very much enjoyable.

16. What is your earliest memory?

Mother teaching me how to play a wooden flute. It was very fun

17. How much schooling have you had?

Not a lot honestly. I wasn't allowed to go to the school in Northshire cause I was Sindorei. So I guess..a little bit from what Mother taught me at home.

18. Did you enjoy school?

I enjoyed learning with Mother.

19. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

In my backyard.

20. While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them.

I had my Mother. She was there through everything and was always a source of inspiration and motivation. She always kept me smiling, even after Daddy's death. Her personality warmed my heart.

21. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

We all got along great other than a few tussles..but that is normal right?

22. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to either be a Priestess like Mother or a Knight like Father. Who says I can't be both someday!?

23. As a child, what were your favorite activities?

Me and mother would practice Magic together, and cook and read books. She taught me how to write and taught me proper manners and ettiquette.

24. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?

Mother always said I was well mannered, but very stubborn and reckless.

25. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

I didn't...have any friends...ever..not until I met Carsis and Lokasenna Vi'le. They are the two I hold most dear.

26. When and with whom was your first kiss?

O//////O um....that would be Carsis....>_> teehee

27. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?

Honestly, I find that to not be any of your business! O////O

28. If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.

Umm..I wouldn't really call myself supernatural, but with certain individuals, I have a strong mental connection with them, therefore I can speak in their minds and even see some of their past events depending on the stability of their mind. I can also read people's auras. It was something I got from Mother. It is actually rather helpful.

Part 3: Past Influences

29. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

I guesss...it would be meeting Carsis. After my Mother died and I left home, I didn't really have anything left. I was stared down and ignored in Silvermoon until he came along and took me in under his wing. He really did save me.

30. Who has had the most influence on you?

Right now, the most influencial person to me is Lokasenna Vi'le.

31. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting stronger!

32. What is your greatest regret?

Not being able to save my Mother.

33. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

I guess it would be watching as a young girl gets tortured right before my eyes...a bit gruesome..and bloody.

34. Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

Nope.

35. When was the time you were the most frightened?

The day I was attacked by a human and dwarf in Loch Modan. The things that happened there are forever burned into my memory and still frightens me this day.

36. What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?

Not really sure honestly. Got me a nice business suit and went to show it off to Lokey and realized at that moment I didn't have any shoes on...kinda embarrassing

37. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?

Nothing at all. If I changed something, then the my current present would be completely different. I would not have chosen the path I am on now nor would I have met the people I have come acrossed. I am happy.

38. What is your best memory?

My night with Carsis in Quel'thalas

39. What is your worst memory?

I have a few I do not wish to name.

Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions

40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?

Optimistic forever and ever!!

41. What is your greatest fear?

Losing the ones I care about

42. What are your religious views?

I believe something is there...but I am not entirely sure what it is.

43. What are your political views?

I do not like politics.

44. What are your views on sex?

O//////O um..well...I dunno...perhaps I can get back to you when I experience it with the one I love..

45. Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?

I do not wish to kill, but depending on the situation, especially if it concerns my special someone, I would probably kill to protect that person.

46. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?

No one deed can be classified as "most evil".....>_>

47. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?

I am not sure what love is honestly....perhaps I should ask Carsis about this too.

48. What do you believe makes a successful life?

Trying to achieve your dreams or at least get close to them. Live life to the fullest and always do your best with a smile on your face! That, to me, is a successful life. Something to be proud of!

49. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)?

I suppose I can be pretty honest to most people. Lokey calls me an open book...perhaps I am.

50. Do you have any biases or prejudices?

I try to remain neutral as much as possible.

51. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?

Killing innocents I can't really do...i am not sure of anything else.

52. Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)?

I would die for the ones I care about most. They are my life and treasure. I wish to protect them always.

Part 5: Relationships With Others

53. In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

I would say I am very polite and caring for most people I meet. The more I get to know someone, the more I care.

54. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

Carsis will always be my number one, for he is my first friend and my first "love" (not sure how else to word it). He has always been there for me through anything, whether it be something going on in my head, to an explosion with my inventions, to even my near death Experiences. He has always cared....always protected me the best he could....

55. Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

Right now it is Lokasenna. Regardless of the image others have of him, I have grown to understand him little by little. He is a very misunderstand man and very delicate to say the least. But he is hard working towards his goals and caring towards his friends. I do admire him in many ways.

56. Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.

Carsis, like I have already stated and Lokasenna cause we share a special connection through our minds. I have already described them

57. Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person.

Carsis again!! Teehee, I tend to talk about him a lot it seems. Well, he is someone very important to me. I care for him deeeply and I wonder what he truly thinks about me...or our relationship. I really want things to work out for I care for him the most..

58. Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.

Like I have said before, I am not entirely sure what love is. I have heard it is a feeling of butterflies n your stomach anytime you are around that person, or even just admiring their adorable smiles, maybe a laugh or something as simple as the way they say hello. If these things are true, then perhaps I have fallen in love....very hard in fact. The story is long and bits and pieces reside in this thing.

59. What do you look for in a potential lover?

I do not look for anything honestly because each person you meet has something to offer and those important to you can experience things with you that only that person give. It is beautiful really.

60. How close are you to your family?

I was very close..but they no longer exist.

61. Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?

A family....yes..I want to start a family someday..but I do not know what my life will be like when and if that day comes. I want to be able to start a family with Carsis, but I dont see him agreeing to that..especially since I don't know what he truly thinks of everything. But I hope one day, I can see my small child in front of me, smiling up at me with pure love.

62. Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

Probably Lokey and members of The Company.

63. Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

Carsis and Lokey because they are both very special to me and I can trust them with anything.

64. If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

I guess Carsis would miss me, maybe Lokey..but I dont have anyone else that would.

65. Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

I really....don't know...the Scourge perhaps?

66. Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

Depending on the situation I can sit and argue all day long...pretty funny actually.

67. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

I am not sure how to lead, so I guess that would be a no.

68. Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

Yes! I love being around people and learning more and reading auras. It is very fun and quite interesting.

69. Do you care what others think of you?

Sometimes I guess. I want to be seen as a good person.

Part 6: Likes And Dislikes

70. What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

I have recently become very fascinated with Engineering. I made a mechanical squirrel and it was very cute and I have made guns and bombs and it is very very fun! I also enjoy reading spending time with those I hold close and sleeping under the stars! 

71. What is your most treasured possession?

umm..i don't really know. I guess it would be the comb my mother gave to me. It is very pretty and colorful.

72. What is your favorite color?

blue!

73. What is your favorite food?

um...I like pretty much anything I guess

74. What, if anything, do you like to read?

I like anything on history!

75. What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)?

Meeting people and going out for walks and stuff like that.

76. Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit?

I have drank on occassions, but it isn't something I am big into

77. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

Thinking and getting stronger.

78. What makes you laugh?

"A lot of things."

79. What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

I guess people's inner personalities can be a bit shocking, but not really a whole lot of things.

80. What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

Probably read or write or play my flute

81. How do you deal with stress?

Write or go for a walk.

82. Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

I am very spontaneous

83. What are your pet peeves?

Egotistical people and those with bad attitudes and no common sense.

Part 7: Self Images And Etc.

84. Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?

Umm..my day usually consists of reading, walking around and spending time with friends..nothing really out of the ordinary

85. What is your greatest strength as a person?

The fact that I can smile through almost anything.

86. What is your greatest weakness?

That I cry so much on the inside

87. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I don't really know.

88. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

I dunno.

89. Are you generally organized or messy?

A little bit of both. But mostly organized

90. Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

I am good at making others smile, playing the flute and reading auras....I am bad at thinking things through, jumping the gun and my magic for now

91. Do you like yourself?

yes

92. What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons...)

I do this because I want to, and perhaps someday I can become someone great in life.

93. What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Just live life the best I can now

94. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I hope to see myself settled down, an accomplished Priestess and maybe have a family..

95. If you could choose, how would you want to die?

I don't like to think of those things.

96. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

Be with the one I love, write down as much memories as I could and bind them together and read a good history book.

97. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

That I smiled no matter what.

98. What three words best describe your personality?

Happy, stubborn and clumsy

99. What three words would others probably use to describe you?

I have been described by others as cute, reckless and too nice.

100. If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice...)

Pursue your dreams and don't let anyone get you down. Say what you mean and get your point across. And tell that damn boy how much you really love him without always telling him that you "like him". Say what you mean you!! *Thwaps*

Most people know me as Kaai anyway, but you can ask for Yasuakia as well. ^_^ Pick 5 random numbers between 1 and 100. The link is down below just in case you wanna do it too!

www.geocities.com/poetess47/100questions.html

I woke up to a sleeping Carsis. Poor thing must be so very exhausted from work...and probably that swim from yesterday. It was so much fun being under the stars with him. I can't even explain it.

I sit here now in Loch Modan, Lokasenna just left. We took a walk all the way from Brill and ended up here somehow. Time sure does fly when you are having fun. He seemed to have so much on his mind at that time. We did meet several mean dwarves who shot at us and attacked us even though we were nice to them. No kindness in this world anymore. We didn't come to hurt anyone...just passing through. <sighs> He is gone now and I decided to wait a few more moments to use my hearthstone...so I could write this. I hear things in the wind...voices...angry voices...they are near now. Perhaps it is my own mind playing tricks but it doesn't seem as such..perhaps I should leave....

<nothing else written. Blood spattered on the parchment mixed with ink and blasting powder>

It has been several days since this happened, but I have been trying to stay busy. I was sitting with Carsis one evening in Silvermoon...we was talking rather nicely before he was attacked from behind by a Night Elf rogue, a very sneaky and powerful one. I got scared. I was afraid he was going to be hurt badly, so I started to heal him as much as I could. Then, like I could actually do something, I attacked the rogue with everything I had. Before I knew it, I was laying on the ground, my sight dazed by the blow he stuck to my head. I could hear voices and fighting, but it was as if I couldn't register anything. Carsis came back to revive me, but once again I was thrown down by the same heathen. Such brutality.When I came to, Carsis had revived me again and Naxsath and Mr. Fandrin was there as well. Interesting. Lokasenna showed up too even though he was not allowed into the city. Was he worried? I hated worrying everyone, but I wanted to do my best..I haven't felt so weak in a long time.

But things are looking up. I am continuing to do my very best everyday so I can be stronger.

I am very proud of myself! I spoke with my Engineering instructor and I have reached the level of Expert! I am so happy. I am now able to make better guns, bigger bombs, a target dummy that is just so adorable and a set of Shadow Goggles...which I am soooooo loving right now!

On another note, I went out to Ashenvale yesterday and boy did I have a hard time with those Night Elves. Not only are they sneaky with their Shadowmeld, but they are also very tough. I can tell you that I got knocked over quite a bit when they attempted "manhandling" me like the Amazons they are. Oh dear! That was kind of mean...I shouldn't speak like that. But yes, they made things very hard for me, but I completed my mission and continued to turn in Warsong reports and got many different things for various orcs, goblins and trolls that resided there.

I met up with Carsis again yesterday, which anymore is always a rewarding experience. But we did some...different things. <writing is a little hard to read because of her shaky hands> No no no perverts! Not thaaaaaaat! But I guess it is what people in my town used to call "second base." I had a great time and I saw a side of myself that I wasn't aware of. I got to see a side of him too that was very rare. Man he has such a great smile. But it all started with him showing me his scars. He has so many and it makes me sad that he had to suffer through so much turmoil. But thankfully he made it through and all is well. I also showed him my secret scar that no one has ever seen before since it happened. He got to see the dagger wound my Uncle Leonard put on my upper thigh when he tried to...well...do things. I must say I thought it would be a secret forever, but I trusted Carsis with such information. It made me feel like I lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. Thank goodness. Well, I am off for now, I need more rest for I am extremely exhausted. Hope he doesn't mind extra cuddles. teehee

I must say, I had the time of my life!! I went to my first Rave in Moonglade. That place is so beautiful! I danced and shot off fireworks and just enjoyed myself. I convinced Carsis to come out as well. Then I got him to DANCE! Oh wow! He is such a good dancer and he says he isn't. What a silly lil liar. We are both back together now. Although, I don't recall us actually breaking up, but it kinda happened after I left the Harbies. But now, we are going good and giving it one more shot. We went off to the lake after the party and I went for a swim, which was pretty fun. the water was nice..but had some trash at the bottom. Kinda gross. But things are going good in all aspects.

I hit expert today in Engineering. I am very proud of myself actually. Well, nothing much else going on..gonna help those in the Barrens for a little bit...then probably go back and make the Flat all nice and clean..perhaps make dinner as well.

Hello again Journal. I must say it has been quite some time. Many events have happened since my last entry. I don't remember if I mentioned part of "The Company". It is a band of people with Lokasenna as the leader. My best friend. Poor man has been through so much here lately. He experienced the death of his hyena Scrappy and our friend Menissa going into a coma after being raped and beaten almost to death. It was a very gruesome day..but that has almost been over a week since the event. He was just beyond repair it seems. Made me so sad to see it..and very angry. I experienced something very bothersome..and something I will never mention to Carsis for he will be upset. But like I said, this happened a week ago. Only Lokey witnessed that and thank goodness it was him, because if it was anyone else, someone would have gotten hurt. I felt rage..absolute rage that filled my entire being over the whole Menissa situation. I looked in the mirror in Lokey's room and say that I was forming a red ring around my pupil, which contrasted horribly with my crystal blues. I was very worried for I have never felt like that. But I was soon calmed down.

On a more peaceful note, I have been feeling better and although my dreams still plague me, I feel that I can take this with more confidence now. If that is to be my destiny then I will fight against it and pray that the madness doesn't win. But if it does...Carsis..I pray you can save me or at least take me down so I don't harm anyone. I hope you can do that for me. In other news, me and Carsis are back together. It was odd for we never officially ended it..but it was more of an assumption since I left the Harbingers. But we talked things out and I assured him I am fine. Which I am. I would never really lie to him. He is a piece of my world...someone special. I could never hurt him. But I know he more than likely ponders otherwise. I hope he can trust me.

Well, I believe I am very tired now. I think Carsis may be out and about, but that is pretty normal. Man can come home to a clean flat since I spent an hour on it before writing this. I will go curl up on my side of the bed and hope for cuddles. teehee. <3

I have done it...I have left the Harbingers. I haven't felt such pain in a long time. But it was something that needed to be done. My dreams are haunting me more and more and I felt that if I was to stay and later on get out of hand...then nothing good would come from it. I would only cause them trouble. This was the best choice. I wonder what Carsis will think when he finds out...will he hate me?

I met up with Lokey last night. Madelynne was with him. He offered me a place with him and his Company, which I accepted. They are different in all forms, so maybe I am better off with them...and Lokey understands me very well. I pray that things work out. But if I am to become like my dreams, I can't keep hiding it forever when that time comes. Please...those that know the me now....please don't hate me...

What words can honestly describe Lokasenna Vi'le? I sit here and contemplate to myself over and over. I feel as if no words could possibly describe him. His fiery red curls that is so soft to the touch. His emerald green eyes that mesmerize me whenever he is not wearing his goggles. He's tall and his body, regardless of what he's been through, is somewhat built and very nice in my eyes. He carries himself as if he's so refined and to my inner eye, he is. He looks o handsome in his business suit. He smiles and you can see his heavily pointed teeth, almost canine. SCary at first, but there is a certain interesting aspect about it. But what struck me the most, was our instant connection upon first meeting. i've never been good with psychic connections, but our was almost instantaneous!! I got this sudden feeling to protect. His poor mind...no one understands but me. I see his feelings, I feel what he feels...he yearns for love and affection and happiness, but can not receive any of it. I have seen things of his past life that have been more than just scary, but absolutely terrifying beyond all means...but he has yet to see mine.   I don't want to show my inner demon. I fear them, the corrupted part of me that has lingered since the death of my father in my childhood. Perhaps I can share with him since his aura and soul wants to reveal itself to me. So much sadness and pain. This torment he suffers!! Why can't he be happy??! Why must he suffer while everyone else can find love and affection?!? It makes me angry! My heart hurts so bad I want to explode!!

<short pause, resting her hand from the last couple of messy sentences.>

On another note, I haven't seen Carsis in a while. I feel sometimes him coming into bed, but I am only half asleep and do not respond anyway. but we haven't talked in a bit. I recall mentioning my dreams to him the other day, but he kept telling me dreams are dream and not to worry. He just won't understand...why must he doubt me?! I would never say such things without a proper reason. My dreams have come true before..no coincidence I swear!!

<tear stains>

Why can't he just believe me. I am starting to become more and more afraid of my magic, but I am not going to let him know. I remember the day I found about my father's death. My mother and I was practicing our healing spells and she was teaching me the spell Smite. But when the battered Knights came to our farm and brought to us his broken sword and his demolished shield, I watched my mother fall to her knees in complete torment and pain. I stood there, five years old and not able to cry. My eyes were wide and anger started to swell within me. I didn't know where this came from, but it rose and rose until I released my anger by blowing up the straw filled dummy I had been practicing on. This...and this alone is where it all started...a dark side I have been wanting to ignore.. He doesn't understand...He doesn't believe me...am I to just sit on the side lines and not be cared about or calmed? I don't know..I won't say anymore to Carsis...I don't wish to burden him with "Ignorant and childish" problems...

<There is some spilt ink at the bottom of the page>

It would seem that I have been in luck! I made another very special friend by the name of Lokasenna Vi'le. I just happened to have been sitting in the Exchange yesterday and there was this being called Regnant who was carrying around a soul sucking baby. He had asked me if  I would feed it my soul and I told him no. So I moved on. But this same undead man approached Lokey and his partner Naxsath, lingering around them for a  bit. I have gotten pretty good at using psychic connections and I ended up finding an open connection with Lokasenna. I warned him of this being having such an evil baby and to be wary. He thanked me and told me his name. That was the start of our friendship. I happened to do another thing, which allowed me to get a bit out of hand, I read into his Aura. He is more than just a complex man. There is so much that people can not see because they are not attuned. This man is in so much pain and sorrow and filled with so much disappointment. It was hard for my head to handle all the flowing emotions. We spoke through psychic connection for most of the evening while he was away and then we met up in Eversong Woods to speak some more. He has become one of my treasured friends. It is odd how these things can happen in no time at all, just how you can meet someone and completely connect. It was quite intriguing..

On another note, I have been having nightmares lately. I spoke to  Carsis about this and he said not to worry. Dreams are just dreams. But he doen't understand. My dreams have come true..and the nightmares I have been experiencing are out of this world. I was looking upon myself in the future. The thing I will become made my very nauseous. I could feel my demon aura..the evil of corrupted magic flowing through my veins and within my entire being. My soul has been taken over by addiction. But my eyes still remained the same blue..bt not a happy blue, an eerie sadistic blue. Just the site made my who body shudder with fear. The being I am to become....is a vessel of pure evil. I will kill without mercy, murder my comrades and cackle at the pure enjoyment of death itself. I am scared...I am very very scared..

I haven't written since the day I was hurt, but much has gone on since then. Carsis and I are together. I honestly couldn't be happier. I promised myself that even though we are together, I will continue to work hard for everything so I can become strong enough to help him and everyone else. When we spoke out in Ratchet the other day, he told me of some of his past things. It was awesome to hear him open up, even though he was embarrassed about it, But I have accepted everything about him. I care about him more than anyone else.

Last night we went for a nice little run through the Barrens and he was helping me with my spell work and giving me guidance in general about how I fight. I really do have a long way to go, but he praised my progress. That made me happy. I will get better and better...no  matter what! I met with some tough enemies, but I have conquered them. I guess I am done writing for now. Wish me luck in my travels Diary..my road is becoming more and more dangerous by the minute.

I am home now. It felt like such an odd dream, but it was all very real. After my last entry, I went and sought out Carsis for his aid. He healed my face and arms with ease, but I was afraid to tell him of the large bubbling gash in my side, which about led to my death. I can't tell you how frightened I was...my head was spinning. After he healed me the best he could, he did something that threw me off guard...he held me. At this moment I wanted to cry, but I believe I remained strong. With my polite nature, I asked if I could kiss him. He leaned in and kissed me on his own...and told me that "Average people do not ask permission." He continued to hold me until I fell asleep and then I woke up and found myself in his flat. I couldn't find him when I awoke, which is alright. He took care of me. He did his job...but to me it was more than a job, it was something special. He save my life....something which I highly value. If only I could have read what was on his mind in those moments...Oh well, I am alive and happy. My wounds are healing and It is a beautiful day. I have much to smile about.

Dear Diary,

It seems my stress has ran a bit deeper than I have imagined. Over trying my best to be a good priestess my mother could be proud of, as well as a good student to my Teacher Carsis....I guess I got wrapped way to tight and got myself hurt. I feel that Carsis will be very angry with me. I was down in the Dead Scar today, killing as many undead demons as I could, and I took to many at once. I could not handle them all. I was lucky to make it out alive. i walked away with a busted lip, bruises across my arms and legs and a large clawed gash across my freckled cheek. Why did I let this happen? I have put healing spells and bandages on my face, but it seems the wound still reopens from the tainted aura that surrounds it. Perhaps, even though I really do not want to, I should ask Carsis for help. He is far more experienced than me and I feel he needs to know the reckless truth behind my screw up. Please forgive me Carsis....

UGH! Could this possibly get any worse. I have made the biggest fool out of myself. What was I thinking!??!?!! Getting so wrapped up in these awkward feelings that I go and kiss my teacher. He probably feels like some old pervert...but what he doesn't realize is that he is not that old and I am not that young. I may act all ditzy...and I am. That is just me.Mother told me to smile and be happy no matter what. So that is what I am. I am older than he thinks. *Sighs* Diary, I feel that I have ruined a perfectly good friendship. He says he is fine, but I bet he is afraid I will kiss him again...bad enough I hug him everyday. >_< I just want to go in a hole somewhere. My first crush and I blew it........If only I could just have him understand. Does he even realize we are somewhat near the same age. I am an adult damnit! Maybe it is because I act so young. I wonder what would happen if I acted older...you know...more my age. Perhaps I should try, but then again , that would be weird as well. OOOOOOOOO What do I do mom! If you were here, you would help me right? I need some guidance on Men in general....especially soldier men. I bet daddy could help me..but he isn't here either. Oh what should I do....? I am so lost............

Here I am again. It has been another wonderful day. Other than defeating the undead nasties in the Dead Scar, I have been speaking with my new guild mates as well. I must say, they are all very wonderful people. I enjoy them very much. Carsis was worried, but I think he may be underestimating me. But who knows. I got to see him as well today. Always so wonderful to me. I am rather blessed to have such a kind man looking after me. I feel like I owe him so much! But anyway.....>//////////////< I am getting stronger and stronger still. I pray I will make my guild proud and contribute much to their cause..

Oh yeah! There was an odd happening this afternoon. A human Paladin managed to make his way into Silvermoon. I am so so unsure of his purpose for being there but he barely escaped with his life. I tried my best to heal him and protect him, for now that I think about it, he wore my Father's tabard for his Company. Who was this man and why was he wearing my Father's colors? I swear they all passed....I am so confused and frustrated. I will continue to look into this matter...